Which Pet is Right For You?

This fairly young couple was hanging out at the bar the other day, having an argument over what kind of pet to get for their apartment.  They started out with a fairly small list: horse, snake, cat, chinchilla, dog, baby.  After a few drinks, they had it narrowed down to just a cat or a dog.  She wanted a cat, and he wanted a dog, and neither was going to see this argument out eye-to-eye.  That’s where I jump in.  I stumbled my way their direction, and I offered to give them a well-constructed opinion on the topic.

“If you give me a few days,” I said, “I will draw upon the vastness of my infinite knowledge and the power of the internet and give you a third opinion to settle this.  Do you trust me?”
“No,” she said.
“Yes,” he stammered.
“Hell no,” she insisted.
“Well, the way I see it, you’re not going to resolve this yourselves.  I have both a dog and cat, and I think I can give you a compelling case.  Will you at least hear me out?”

She thought about it a moment and nodded affirmatively.  So, there it is.  I now have to convince this young couple what pet is right for them.  And since this advice is researched well, and not biased, and very informative in general, I offer it to you so that your future relationships don’t become complicated by this argument in particular.  And now I proudly present:

Cat Box

Now, if you’re one of those die-hard dog people types, hold on.  Don’t dismiss me just yet.  I, too, own a dog.  A shiba inu ( しばいぬ) to be precise.  (Yes, 日本語を話ます。) I love dogs.  I love cats.  But after much research and staring at the stars, I had to choose between one or the other and make a case.  This was not an easy decision (read: this is going to hurt me more than it is you, as they say).  I think when you’re done reading what I have to say, you will become a Belieber–I mean believer.  Just look at reason #9, and if you’re not sold on why I am headed in a good direction, I will buy you lunch.  And if by lunch you think I mean a glass of water, you’re absolutely correct.  I’m broke.  It’s the best I can do.  So on with the list!

#9 Laser Pointers Entertain everyone

Laser pointer + dog = dog that licks its behind.  Add cats, and you’ve got hours of endless entertainment as you make your cat do flips and run into walls and attack unsuspecting feet (and dogs).  Have you ever seen how a cat’s eyes light up like Vegas at midnight when confronted with the enigmatic laser beam?  How their tails swish like a whip as they raise their butts in the air and twerk?  Well, apparently it works on people, too.  If getting a cat means you have an excuse to use that laser pointer, and that brings you and the neighbors hours of entertainment, then you have no reason to not get a cat.  We still have eight reasons to go.  I will win this.

#8 Catrobatics

Since we talked about lasers, let’s talk about Catrobatics.  Just because the entire world hates Sochi doesn’t mean you have to miss out on all the fun of Olympics sports.  Cats always land on their feet anyway, and as such,  my cat is better than your country’s gymnast.  Toss them from the roof.  Fling them into the open sky.  It just doesn’t matter.  Cats will do things that amaze you when they’re in the air.  Be careful when handling cats you’re about to fling.  They have a keen sense of impending doom and tend to lodge their claws into flesh the moment they sense a sudden change in direction.

#7 Cats Don’t Bark

It’s a well known fact that the smaller the dog, the yappier it is.  Cats do not seem to be afflicted with this syndrome.  Mailman at the door?  Who cares.  Does the young couple next door sound like they’re on a honeymoon?  Meh.  Thunder outside?  So what.  This makes cats the most ideal pet you could ever own for any housing arrangement.  They’re easy to sneak into apartments to avoid that pesky pet deposit.  If you feed and water your cat daily, your parents will never know you own one.  In fact, most cats are so quiet and stealthy that mother cats don’t even know they’re pregnant until kittens start popping out.  How crazy is that?

#6 You Can Legally Get Cats High in All Fifty States
Go Home Cat, You're Drunk

Even though the people of the  United States are starting to wake up and realize the “war on drugs” is a wasteful failure, and hippie states begin to tell the Federal government to shove off by legalizing marijuana, there are still exactly zero states where it’s legal to give pot to your pet.  However, cats have been tripping balls for years on nepeta cataria, and that’s been legal since cats.  It’s fun to watch drunks hit on girls at the bar, and crack addicts chase laser lights on the street, but equally fun is watching Fluffy binge on a bag of nip and float off to space.  Perhaps afterwards Fluffy can explain the world’s longest music video to you.

#5 Cats are Self-Sufficient
Cat Grooming

Picture this:  it’s six in the morning, and you’ve just woken up, and you have a dog.  What’s the first thing you do?  Well, hopefully you let your dog outside.  Not that big of a deal.  Now, let’s pretend that you overslept until 8:59 A.M., and you have the most important meeting of your life at 10:00, and you basically have to leave right now to get there.  Cat don’t care.  Water?  Check.  Food?  Check.  Cat box?  Check.  Dog?  Shit!  And let’s not forget how easy life is with a cat if you have to do something like take a weekend vacation.  Dogs require attention several times a day.  Cats?  They’re glad to see you go.  Nothing will bring them more joy than to see their feeder and water dispenser filled, and you leaving them alone for a few days.  Having a dog is like raising a baby.  Having a cat is like taking care of an ill relative who can still feed and bathe themselves.

#4 Cats Make Great ExTerminators
cat terminator

If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s spiders.  If there’s one thing cats love doing, it’s killing spiders–or anything that moves for that matter.  While this means that your feet can become the target of a stealthy cat, it also means that you’re less likely to have little critters take up residence in. . .your body!  Without cats, you’d have to pay the Orkin man a hefty sum to come spray your house down with toxic chemicals.  With cats, this problem resolves itself fairly well.  Remember, you need exactly one cat for every twenty square feet of housing you have to ensure maximum security of your space.  Just kidding.  That’s cruel.  You need two cats for every twenty square feet, so they will have someone to talk to.  And the best part about having a cat exTerminator is:

cat gift

What would life be like if Christmas happened every day of the year?  Get a cat and find out.  Nothing says “I love you” like a dead mouse in your bed, or a fur ball in your bed, or a free pair of fur pants.  You get all this and so much more when you make a cat your companion!  Act now, supplies limited!  Okay, no they’re not.

#2 Cat Loyalty
Slutty Dog Cheerleader

If you want to compare loyalty between cats and dogs, it’s really easy.  Dogs give it up to anyone like a slutty cheerleader at a frat party (unless you’re a dick and make them mean).  Cats require you to fill out an application, bribe them with treats, interview for the position, and pray daily you get in–kind of like getting into Harvard.  If a dog is upset with you, they get over it pretty quick.  Cats have no problem reducing you in the social order until they decide you’re okay again.  When you have finally earned the loyalty of a cat, it’s one of life’s greatest–and hardest–achievements.  It took me over six years to get my adopted Guinness to stop plotting against me.  And every time she kisses my face, I feel like a proud parent.  Every time my dog kisses my face, I wonder what exactly it is she wants and how fast I need to go wash it.

#1 Cats Don’t Steal Stuff
cat woman

What happens if you leave $500 worth of pizza unattended with a dog?  You end up with a felon.  Your cat will most likely still be hiding under the bed because someone new came to the door to deliver that pizza.  They will immediately go to sleep and won’t care about anything other than what they’re dreaming about–which depending upon where you’re at with reason #2, might just be how they’ll murder you.  In fact, cats are better than people when it comes to this point, which makes them a superior choice to having babies as pets.  Take for example this guy.  Drugs, man.  Drugs are bad.  And because we all love Catwoman, here’s a list of Gotham’s finest from over the years.  Which one is your favorite?

Still not convinced?  The following video from Buzzfeed should help.  Enjoy your new cat!


Do you like this post?  Yeah you do.  Share it, because no one will see it if you don’t.  And I won’t have a career with my English degree.  And I won’t have a reason to go on.  And I will die.  And. . .no more posts.  Share it with your friends, and I live another day.  Don’t share, and I am like Full House without Michelle.   Dude, I want to live.  Share this now!


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