Which Pet is Right For You?

This fairly young couple was hanging out at the bar the other day, having an argument over what kind of pet to get for their apartment.  They started out with a fairly small list: horse, snake, cat, chinchilla, dog, baby.  After a few drinks, they had it narrowed down to just a cat or a dog.  She wanted a cat, and he wanted a dog, and neither was going to see this argument out eye-to-eye.  That’s where I jump in.  I stumbled my way their direction, and I offered to give them a well-constructed opinion on the topic.

“If you give me a few days,” I said, “I will draw upon the vastness of my infinite knowledge and the power of the internet and give you a third opinion to settle this.  Do you trust me?”
“No,” she said.
“Yes,” he stammered.
“Hell no,” she insisted.
“Well, the way I see it, you’re not going to resolve this yourselves.  I have both a dog and cat, and I think I can give you a compelling case.  Will you at least hear me out?”

She thought about it a moment and nodded affirmatively.  So, there it is.  I now have to convince this young couple what pet is right for them.  And since this advice is researched well, and not biased, and very informative in general, I offer it to you so that your future relationships don’t become complicated by this argument in particular.  And now I proudly present:

Cat Box

Now, if you’re one of those die-hard dog people types, hold on.  Don’t dismiss me just yet.  I, too, own a dog.  A shiba inu ( しばいぬ) to be precise.  (Yes, 日本語を話ます。) I love dogs.  I love cats.  But after much research and staring at the stars, I had to choose between one or the other and make a case.  This was not an easy decision (read: this is going to hurt me more than it is you, as they say).  I think when you’re done reading what I have to say, you will become a Belieber–I mean believer.  Just look at reason #9, and if you’re not sold on why I am headed in a good direction, I will buy you lunch.  And if by lunch you think I mean a glass of water, you’re absolutely correct.  I’m broke.  It’s the best I can do.  So on with the list!

#9 Laser Pointers Entertain everyone

Laser pointer + dog = dog that licks its behind.  Add cats, and you’ve got hours of endless entertainment as you make your cat do flips and run into walls and attack unsuspecting feet (and dogs).  Have you ever seen how a cat’s eyes light up like Vegas at midnight when confronted with the enigmatic laser beam?  How their tails swish like a whip as they raise their butts in the air and twerk?  Well, apparently it works on people, too.  If getting a cat means you have an excuse to use that laser pointer, and that brings you and the neighbors hours of entertainment, then you have no reason to not get a cat.  We still have eight reasons to go.  I will win this.

#8 Catrobatics

Since we talked about lasers, let’s talk about Catrobatics.  Just because the entire world hates Sochi doesn’t mean you have to miss out on all the fun of Olympics sports.  Cats always land on their feet anyway, and as such,  my cat is better than your country’s gymnast.  Toss them from the roof.  Fling them into the open sky.  It just doesn’t matter.  Cats will do things that amaze you when they’re in the air.  Be careful when handling cats you’re about to fling.  They have a keen sense of impending doom and tend to lodge their claws into flesh the moment they sense a sudden change in direction.

#7 Cats Don’t Bark

It’s a well known fact that the smaller the dog, the yappier it is.  Cats do not seem to be afflicted with this syndrome.  Mailman at the door?  Who cares.  Does the young couple next door sound like they’re on a honeymoon?  Meh.  Thunder outside?  So what.  This makes cats the most ideal pet you could ever own for any housing arrangement.  They’re easy to sneak into apartments to avoid that pesky pet deposit.  If you feed and water your cat daily, your parents will never know you own one.  In fact, most cats are so quiet and stealthy that mother cats don’t even know they’re pregnant until kittens start popping out.  How crazy is that?

#6 You Can Legally Get Cats High in All Fifty States
Go Home Cat, You're Drunk

Even though the people of the  United States are starting to wake up and realize the “war on drugs” is a wasteful failure, and hippie states begin to tell the Federal government to shove off by legalizing marijuana, there are still exactly zero states where it’s legal to give pot to your pet.  However, cats have been tripping balls for years on nepeta cataria, and that’s been legal since cats.  It’s fun to watch drunks hit on girls at the bar, and crack addicts chase laser lights on the street, but equally fun is watching Fluffy binge on a bag of nip and float off to space.  Perhaps afterwards Fluffy can explain the world’s longest music video to you.

#5 Cats are Self-Sufficient
Cat Grooming

Picture this:  it’s six in the morning, and you’ve just woken up, and you have a dog.  What’s the first thing you do?  Well, hopefully you let your dog outside.  Not that big of a deal.  Now, let’s pretend that you overslept until 8:59 A.M., and you have the most important meeting of your life at 10:00, and you basically have to leave right now to get there.  Cat don’t care.  Water?  Check.  Food?  Check.  Cat box?  Check.  Dog?  Shit!  And let’s not forget how easy life is with a cat if you have to do something like take a weekend vacation.  Dogs require attention several times a day.  Cats?  They’re glad to see you go.  Nothing will bring them more joy than to see their feeder and water dispenser filled, and you leaving them alone for a few days.  Having a dog is like raising a baby.  Having a cat is like taking care of an ill relative who can still feed and bathe themselves.

#4 Cats Make Great ExTerminators
cat terminator

If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s spiders.  If there’s one thing cats love doing, it’s killing spiders–or anything that moves for that matter.  While this means that your feet can become the target of a stealthy cat, it also means that you’re less likely to have little critters take up residence in. . .your body!  Without cats, you’d have to pay the Orkin man a hefty sum to come spray your house down with toxic chemicals.  With cats, this problem resolves itself fairly well.  Remember, you need exactly one cat for every twenty square feet of housing you have to ensure maximum security of your space.  Just kidding.  That’s cruel.  You need two cats for every twenty square feet, so they will have someone to talk to.  And the best part about having a cat exTerminator is:

cat gift

What would life be like if Christmas happened every day of the year?  Get a cat and find out.  Nothing says “I love you” like a dead mouse in your bed, or a fur ball in your bed, or a free pair of fur pants.  You get all this and so much more when you make a cat your companion!  Act now, supplies limited!  Okay, no they’re not.

#2 Cat Loyalty
Slutty Dog Cheerleader

If you want to compare loyalty between cats and dogs, it’s really easy.  Dogs give it up to anyone like a slutty cheerleader at a frat party (unless you’re a dick and make them mean).  Cats require you to fill out an application, bribe them with treats, interview for the position, and pray daily you get in–kind of like getting into Harvard.  If a dog is upset with you, they get over it pretty quick.  Cats have no problem reducing you in the social order until they decide you’re okay again.  When you have finally earned the loyalty of a cat, it’s one of life’s greatest–and hardest–achievements.  It took me over six years to get my adopted Guinness to stop plotting against me.  And every time she kisses my face, I feel like a proud parent.  Every time my dog kisses my face, I wonder what exactly it is she wants and how fast I need to go wash it.

#1 Cats Don’t Steal Stuff
cat woman

What happens if you leave $500 worth of pizza unattended with a dog?  You end up with a felon.  Your cat will most likely still be hiding under the bed because someone new came to the door to deliver that pizza.  They will immediately go to sleep and won’t care about anything other than what they’re dreaming about–which depending upon where you’re at with reason #2, might just be how they’ll murder you.  In fact, cats are better than people when it comes to this point, which makes them a superior choice to having babies as pets.  Take for example this guy.  Drugs, man.  Drugs are bad.  And because we all love Catwoman, here’s a list of Gotham’s finest from over the years.  Which one is your favorite?

Still not convinced?  The following video from Buzzfeed should help.  Enjoy your new cat!


Do you like this post?  Yeah you do.  Share it, because no one will see it if you don’t.  And I won’t have a career with my English degree.  And I won’t have a reason to go on.  And I will die.  And. . .no more posts.  Share it with your friends, and I live another day.  Don’t share, and I am like Full House without Michelle.   Dude, I want to live.  Share this now!


Seven Ways to Deal With an Angry Customer (aka Poo Bear)

Cheesy Chicken Nacho Pizza Burger

The other day I heard a woman complain about how she disliked her job.  She indicated being fed up with angry customers taking their frustration out on her.  She went on to tell a wild tale about a family eating at her restaurant.  Something about food being cold and the mother asking if the server was trying to give her kid salmonella by serving it.  [Missed Details Here].  Free meal happened after the customer demanded a manager and proceeded to throw a fit, turning heads from around the restaurant, and causing a huge scene.  As she described this huge scene, she outstretched her arms and had her palms facing in, fingers curled as though she were holding on to the world’s largest invisible Hero sandwich.  She, too, was making a scene as people turned to examine what she was so excited about.

I told her I would consult the internet and my years of experience in dealing with Poo Bears–so named because they are essentially people who are taking a poo on your day–in order to find a solution for anyone trying to just get through the moment locked in a situation with one of these types of unfortunate customers.  I suppose you could use these tactics to deal with any type of Poo Bear in your life, such as an angry wife, jackass in the car behind you hugging your tail and honking fervently, a police officer who has just pulled you over.  Many applications, but I’ll let you use your discretion as to what here is good advice and when to use it.

The Universal Tip (Bonus Tip):  Get Your Spock On

Spock Slap

The most important piece of advice anyone can give you about dealing with angry people is to keep your emotions in check.  You have to play this poker game with a good face, or none of the advice will be of any use.  Once you feel or show or become inspired by your emotions, you lose.  Live long and prosper.

#7 Murder
chalk line

Okay, maybe that’s a bad idea.  By the way, here are some fun facts about chalk outlines.  My favorite one: they’re essentially extinct.  So why do news stations still illustrate murder story captions with this stuff?

#6 Smile
smiling chimp

Dr. Ubel at Duke University spends some time comparing a low-income Starbucks employee’s smiling methodology to the bedside manner of health professionals when it comes to dealing with irate customers (or patients, or guests, or whatever we call them).  You know something is wrong with the world when a Duke University physician says students should probably work at Starbucks before applying to medical school.  Smiles are more than tension-diffusing tools.  No one will ever be able to lodge a reasonable complaint about a well-executed (possibly patronizing “go-to-Hell”) smile.  And I don’t think anything would bother me more than if my proctologist were to put on a toothy grin while digging into my annual examination.

#5 Answer Questions With More Questions

“Why is the sky blue?”
“What color should it be?”

Sure, it’s an annoying thing when it happens.  But many times, an angry person doesn’t think you’re capable of coming up with a solution, so they come at you with raised fists and a snarling voice to elicit a response or get their way–even if their way is not a reasonable solution.  Frequently, people don’t even know what they’re angry about.  Rarely are they angry at you personally, which is why you really have to get a grip on those emotions.  When you answer questions with questions, you can steer the customer to become rational-thinking instead of emotional-thinking.  You can also get them to elaborate on the real issue at hand, which may help you better think of possible solutions.  Whatever you do, don’t argue with an angry person.  People can’t reasonably argue with questions.  Of course, if you’re trying to get fired or collect workman’s comp, you could reply to questions with questions excessively until you get punched in the neck.

#4 Take a Mental Vacation
Unicorn Beach

Is your angry customer droning on and on?  No problem.  Stare directly at the white of their left eye and get lost in the red ripples of bursting capillaries until you sail away to Unicorn Beach.  It’s a tropical destination filled with unicorns, rainbows, cotton candy sunsets, and copious amounts of New Age music to keep your inner-peace intact while your malleus bone hammers away at the incus to bring your imminent doom with deafness one day closer than your eighty-fifth birthday.  Hey, I just taught you some anatomy.  And you didn’t think this post would be educational.  Do yourself a favor, and take on all the yelling customers you can so you can get deafness out of the way quickly, and get your Social Security benefits before they’re depleted.

#3 Locate the Path to a Solution

Ultimately something’s gotta give.  Forbes has a few steps one should take in dealing with Poo Bears, and when they say, “[a good solution] is all the customer is looking for,” that’s usually the truth.  But most of us aren’t experts at everything.  The important takeaway here is that you know how to get to a solution.  Know people in other departments who might be the expert of the situation, and be prepared to put the angry customer in touch with that person.  If you take the time to explain what is going on to the new guy who is about to take custody of your tantruming terror, you’ll save everyone a lot of hassle and even look like a hero to anyone paying attention.  Don’t worry, no one is paying attention.  Some customers, however, won’t be happy with a simple solution.  That’s when you have to:

#2 Bust Out the Bribery

Sometimes when I let my puppy outside, she won’t go poop.  She waits until I let her back in, am preoccupied, then lets loose the floodgate in some hidden (so she thinks) locale.  Whether it’s to protest or not I can’t say, but if she knows she will get a treat for coming inside with an empty pooper, she tends to be more thoughtful with her choices.   Angry customers can be the same way.  For some, the “inconvenience” of having their expectations missed merits a free meal, gift card, compliments on their eyes, or whatever it is they’re after as compensation.  Hell, some people go out of their way to complain in order to score freebies. Save yourself most of the steps listed in this post and just hand the jaw-flapper your wallet.

#1 Get the Manager
Go Directly To Manager

Let’s face it: most people reading this article don’t get paid enough to put up with the crap raining down on them.  Remember all those times your manager made you feel ten-inches tall?  Tell the Poo Bear you’ll be right back, go inform the manager your unruly customer demands their assistance, head to the break room and toss a bag of popcorn in the microwave, remove the bag, shake vigorously, pull bag open (but watch out for the steam), get back into position near where the action is taking place, and enjoy.  You deserve it!  Bonus points if you burnt the popcorn just enough to ruin everyone’s day.